The Beauty of Angry Rebellion
In a recent issue of UNION LIFE one of the sentences in a letter really hit me. It said, "Sometimes what looks like rebellion is merely a manifestation of the inner man's knowledge of reality trying to come through against all the religious habits and structures which we have built and surrounded with all our mental reasoning."
At this same time God was expanding on the one line I brought home with me from the Family Reunion in Hixton: "Love God and do what you want to do." Coming home on the plane He said, "Your name is 'Love's Desire.' " I started to experience thinking a desire and seeing the echo or manifestation. Boy, did this ever conflict with a thirty-five year old, self-denying martyr whose way of living was: If you want to do it, don't; if you don't want to do it, do it anyway. Begin your day by doing the things you hate so they will get done. Always do what others want you to do, but never what you selfishly desire.
But God said, "If you deny yourself, you are denying Me. I am Yourself." The martyr in me said, "You aren't ready for that yet. That's true only after you've been a Christian for years and really been through lots of purging", etc. In short, I hadn't suffered enough to merit Oneness. Even seeing the stupidity of this human reasoning has not yet freed my body from furious angry rebellion and a shaking fear of displeasing God.
But all this is Perfect. The only thing at this point in my soul stronger than the fear of following my desires is this rebellion and anger which causes me to act on my desires. The conflict is so intense some days I am sick in my stomach. I am so full of anger I scream at my Love, even though I know that He is the only one who really understands me and is directing 'every moment.
Last Friday I awoke so angry I was sick. By noon I couldn't continue with the day, so I went to bed knowing He would come through when I awakened and the conscious me had stopped battling. Upon awakening I found myself screaming that I hated crummy five and ten cent Christmas decorations and the ugly garbage that had been hanging on our tree for the past fifteen years. The martyr in me went into her usual guilt trip for having such a terrible, materialistic, selfish heart, and started her usual drivel about the starving in India, what she had is good enough, etc.
God's desire in me sided with the angry rebellion. The martyr couldn't stand and block His perfect vision of His perfect tree for me. The reasoner tried to stand with the martyr since she doesn't know why God wants this lovely tree and He would not give her answers. If she doesn't have concrete reasons, she figures they don't exist.
God had calmed her down a few weeks previously by showing her how He does flower arranging through this Jacki form. (A new talent, just unfolded.) I never know how it will look when completed, but rely completely on instinct for container, color, form, etc. I just pick up a flower and place it, perhaps defying some of the rules of good arranging (though I don't know what they are). The first one I did was so beautiful my husband thought I had bought it from the florist.
The Lord said, "There is also a complete arrangement for your life. Each desire is a flower, and you must pick it up and act on it even if you don't see the completed form of the arrangement now. See the desire, think about it, and act on it no matter how selfish your reasoning says it is. You are no longer selfish, you are Selfish. This Selfishness is self-giving. Each desire is in reality for others."
Back to the Christmas tree. The next morning we went to buy a tree. On the way I saw a lovely one with clear small lights on it. I thought to myself, "How beautiful!" After buying the tree we stopped to buy a skirt to cover the stand. In the store my husband headed for the tree lights, picked up the identical ones I had been loving and bought them. I never spoke a word, but was one with his purchase. We returned home and he asked whether I'd like gold balls and silver tinsel or vice versa. The "angry rebellion" (the Truth emerging) said, "I want gold and gold or silver and silver." After trying each I finally decided on silver. He bought four boxes of silver balls and we added candy canes. The tree is perfection! The whole room is a beautiful blending of tastes. My part is fragile and delicate. His part is reflected in the candy canes, stuffed animals, elves, mice, etc. Before I was suppressed and everything reflected my husband. Now it reflects Him through both of us.
Each day new areas are uncovered, and each time the suppressed one comes through first in angry rebellion. The true me is so submerged under the layers of fear of His disapproval, martyrdom and selfdenial that if it were not for the anger there would be nothing to root out the Real Desire submerged under the garbage.